glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
