why didn't you poke me back
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I intend to get homeless drunk
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
