So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I need help removing her.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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