oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize