you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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