come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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