I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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