I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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