so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
