She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Sext me about skeletons
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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