listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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