dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
