Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize