Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
