cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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