I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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