guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
