My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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