how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
