You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
