I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Vodka?
Forever.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
