I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
