is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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