I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You ruined the universe
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
