At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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