I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
