I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
