I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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