Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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