dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
