i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
