gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
