I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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