Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
