you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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