we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
