life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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