I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
