We named our party play list daddy issues
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
