Already got asked if we're dating
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize