she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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