You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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