Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
