Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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