I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
This toilet bowl is my home.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize