someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
