He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
