If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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