My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
