Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
This baby is an asshole
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
