the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
