You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
