a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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