He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
