I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
