omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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