I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
