I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Randomize
