Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize