is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
